David (sudrin) wrote,

Why I don't like dogs

Since I've told this story a few times it seems like I should just write it down so here goes.. Why I don't like dogs.

When I was a very little boy we had a dog named Humphrey. It was a girl dog so I don't know why it was named Humphrey, but it was. Anyway Humphrey was in my mind anyway, My fathers dog and since he dies in the story when I'm only a very little baby, a somewhat special dog. Humphrey had some little Humphrey's and I remember asking my mom if we could keep one of the puppies.. you know as a sort of spare. When your father dies when you are a wee baby, you see mortality everywhere. This request was denied for what i'm sure were completely resonable reasons but not before one of the Humphrey's little puppies was sold (or given, I was young so I don't know what transaction took place) to a neighbor around the block. Benji. Of course, Humphrey soon died as all mortal things do and Benjis very existence mocked me because it was the dog I did not have.

Several years later soon after my mother remarried we were going to get another dog... Canonball. Canonball was a little black dog and I honestly don't remember the breed. Canonball was purchased from Bwana Don's on Woodward Avenue in Ferndale. Bwana Don's also purchased (unbeknowned to us at the time) dogs from the Notorious Puppy Farms. Canonball soon died of what was, presumably, Parvovirus.

Canonball II: The Sequel.
In our second attempt at a dog, we returned once again to Bwana Don's and got Canonball II. And just like before, Canonball shuffled off the mortal coil soon after purchase. Of course, not before we rushed him to the vet so that I could watch him shake and cry on the middle of the vets exam table. Strike 2 in the pet department. No more attempts were made to purchase dogs after this.

That Darn Cat:
A few years later in an effort to repetualize the household a we got a can from the Humane Society. If this cat gave a shit, it wasn't to me. This cat was so uninterested in me, or my business that I actually cant' remember its name. That's right, I forget the name of a cat that lived in our home for 5 or more years. All he wanted to do was get away from you, and head in the direction of either the litter box or the cat food. He died tragically one day jumping up on something. He didn't make it. I shed no tears.

Glacier (Aka The dog that barked):
Before That Darn Cat died his timely death another dog was purchased. By this time I was no longer living at home, so I didn't really care that this dog barked.. and barked.. and barked.. Did I mention the dog barks? He also begs. whines, cries, and complains.. You'd think this dog lives a tortured existence of table scraps, treats, couchsitting, and warmth. I feel nothing but contempt for this dog. Did I mention the barking? This dog will bark at you.. He even "Pre-barks" before you leave the house. Which is to say, if you are going to leave the house, he will go to the front window and start barking BEFORE you leave. Bark WHILE you leave, and continue to bark AFTER you leave.

I'm touched by the love that others have for thier animals and while I'm happy to pet YOUR dog, I have no desire to ever come home to one.

Unless its digital, and talks like Max Headroom.
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