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Why I don't like dogs

Since I've told this story a few times it seems like I should just write it down so here goes.. Why I don't like dogs.

Humphrey
When I was a very little boy we had a dog named Humphrey. It was a girl dog so I don't know why it was named Humphrey, but it was. Anyway Humphrey was in my mind anyway, My fathers dog and since he dies in the story when I'm only a very little baby, a somewhat special dog. Humphrey had some little Humphrey's and I remember asking my mom if we could keep one of the puppies.. you know as a sort of spare. When your father dies when you are a wee baby, you see mortality everywhere. This request was denied for what i'm sure were completely resonable reasons but not before one of the Humphrey's little puppies was sold (or given, I was young so I don't know what transaction took place) to a neighbor around the block. Benji. Of course, Humphrey soon died as all mortal things do and Benjis very existence mocked me because it was the dog I did not have.

Canonball
Several years later soon after my mother remarried we were going to get another dog... Canonball. Canonball was a little black dog and I honestly don't remember the breed. Canonball was purchased from Bwana Don's on Woodward Avenue in Ferndale. Bwana Don's also purchased (unbeknowned to us at the time) dogs from the Notorious Puppy Farms. Canonball soon died of what was, presumably, Parvovirus.

Canonball II: The Sequel.
In our second attempt at a dog, we returned once again to Bwana Don's and got Canonball II. And just like before, Canonball shuffled off the mortal coil soon after purchase. Of course, not before we rushed him to the vet so that I could watch him shake and cry on the middle of the vets exam table. Strike 2 in the pet department. No more attempts were made to purchase dogs after this.

That Darn Cat:
A few years later in an effort to repetualize the household a we got a can from the Humane Society. If this cat gave a shit, it wasn't to me. This cat was so uninterested in me, or my business that I actually cant' remember its name. That's right, I forget the name of a cat that lived in our home for 5 or more years. All he wanted to do was get away from you, and head in the direction of either the litter box or the cat food. He died tragically one day jumping up on something. He didn't make it. I shed no tears.

Glacier (Aka The dog that barked):
Before That Darn Cat died his timely death another dog was purchased. By this time I was no longer living at home, so I didn't really care that this dog barked.. and barked.. and barked.. Did I mention the dog barks? He also begs. whines, cries, and complains.. You'd think this dog lives a tortured existence of table scraps, treats, couchsitting, and warmth. I feel nothing but contempt for this dog. Did I mention the barking? This dog will bark at you.. He even "Pre-barks" before you leave the house. Which is to say, if you are going to leave the house, he will go to the front window and start barking BEFORE you leave. Bark WHILE you leave, and continue to bark AFTER you leave.

I'm touched by the love that others have for thier animals and while I'm happy to pet YOUR dog, I have no desire to ever come home to one.

Unless its digital, and talks like Max Headroom.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
frogdiva
Dec. 9th, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
I couldn't even begin to tell you how many dogs and cats that I had growing up. Ours usually ran away.

Then all of the sudden, my parents have been able to keep pets for YEARS. They had Chauncee for at least 5 years (and she wasn't a puppy when they got her), and we're not even sure how long they've had Sam, the cat. She's at least 16 years old now and has only been taken to the vet ONCE to be spayed. She has allergies but she never complains and is never really sick beyond that.

BTW, Sam despises the dogs.

For me, having dogs has been like almost having kids. They're much less maintenance than a child would be and seem to fill that void that I have. The only downfall is that they won't take care of me when I get old.
ardaliz
Dec. 9th, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC)
Never in TWELVE MILLION YEARS would I have believed that I would love Dave as much as I do.
lickingtoad
Dec. 10th, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)
Our first "flurry" of pets as kids were hamsters -- 'Rosebud,' then 'Popcorn,' neither of which lived incredibly full lives -- Rosebud was chill, Popcorn was a biter.

Our first dog, 'Sandy,' was a lab/beagle mix. She lived to be seventeen before so much of her failed that we had to put her to sleep. You could walk her *without a leash,* that's how mellow and obedient and awesome she was.

Our current dog, 'Missy,' was not fortunate enough to be renamed by us. (I would've preferred 'Maya' out of all the suggestions, but meh. We're lazy.) It was a rough couple first years because we went from Sandy the Rastafarian dog to Missy the 100% Alpha "Just try and stop me!" dog -- she's tough and sneaky and never backs down.

I second the notion that dogs are like low-maintenance kids -- if you treat them as members of the family, you have a source of unconditional love on your couch. They encourage you to exercise -- I wouldn't get out nearly as much as I have if I didn't walk the dog, and I like the time to think.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )